Monday, January 31, 2011

What Kills You Makes Me Laugh

Today's Failbook fail: Red Eye.

A dude says his eye has been red for quite some time. His "friends" tell him he must have AIDS. Some jackass says the dude is not allowed in his dorm room anymore, because of the AIDS.

This is already weak as far as humor goes. What really kills it is that, you know, people with HIV/AIDS really are discriminated against constantly. It's not like they pretended the guy had skin cancer or congestive heart failure. No, they picked a disease that is a) associated with such oppressed minorities as gay men and Black folks, and b) the cause of rampant discrimination. And then they made a joke about discriminating against him. Ha . . . ha?

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sunday, Sunday

Sundays are slow days for Failbook, and thus carry less opportunity for Failbook fails. I have to say I totally agree with the last post of the night -- people who write "must of" or "should of" make me want to die -- and the rest aren't worth mentioning. Another fail-free Sunday has come and gone. See you tomorrow for what is sure to be a trainwreck fail.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Today's Failbook fail: Justine Bieber.

Someone chastises Google for (accidentally?) including Justin Bieber on a list of most Googled women. Some jackass comments that they want to high-five Google for this list inclusion.

Slim pickings today. This is just an everyday, vanilla gender policing. Nothing special. Not to minimize it, but I have nothing clever to say about it. It's too run-of-the-mill for Failbook.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm Changing My Password to "leavemealone"

Today's Failbook fail: Happy Birthday!

A man hacks into his wife's Facebook and shames her because some man has been talking to her about having sex with her. (There is no indication the wife has actually done anything.) Some jackass congratulates the man on having his wife's FB password. Scrolling down, we realize that it is the woman's birthday.

This is just sad. It's also a terrible violation of trust, which is why I've filed this under intimate partner abuse. No, it's not a black eye, but violating your partner's privacy is a form of abuse. It tells the violated partner that they cannot expect to keep their thoughts or actions private . . . especially if those thoughts/actions are distasteful to the violator.

I'm almost more disgusted by the bystander who just had to goad the husband. You can't argue that he acted in the heat of the moment. He just wants to advocate for hacking into your wife's FB account. Ugh.

In case anyone thinks I am a humorless fussbudget who dusts teapots for fun, I had to share a Failbook win, for a change: Gandalf or Dumbledore? This post is everything the fails aren't: really funny without being incredibly offensive.

I was leery about this post when I saw the topic (in short, deciding which wizard is better). I thought for sure that someone would use a gay slur against Dumbledore, given that he's a gay character. But no, all fifteen comments are totally slur-free, and in fact a lot are super-geeky, opinionated rants about which character is superior. (For my money, it's Dumbledore, who actually lived in the world, as opposed to Gandalf, who was never really a part of Middle Earth, just sort of floating above it all, eventually abandoning it. That makes him a far less interesting character to me.) You can have a spirited, hilarious, hate-free discussion. This is proof. If there were more items like this, I'd have to give up this blog.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

You Make J.K. Rowling Cry

Today's Failbook fail: Welcome to the Wizarding World of Fat Puns!

Sorry about yesterday's failure to post, everyone. I live in the catchment area of the worst power company in the nation, so any time the D.C. area gets "weather" (of any kind), I'm without Internet. Last night I went to bed super-early and read a John Irving novel by the light of a hand-cranked flashlight. I felt like a damn pioneer girl.

Anyway, onto today's Failbook fail. This is one of those fails that does not inspire my outrage, only my contempt. It's just a bunch of jackasses making Harry Potter-related "yo momma" jokes, with the predictable fat hatred and lookism (e.g. "Your momma's so fat she has the Goblet of Gravy").

Honestly, as an avowed Harry Potter lover, these just make me sad. Why take a series that is essentially life-affirming and moral and use it for this crappy schtick? Can't you base your stupid fat jokes on Twilight, or Atlas Shrugged? Or, better yet, don't hate people on the basis of their weight, but that's asking for the moon, I know.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Not a High Bar to Clear

You know, I was all geared up for a good rant this evening. Why? Because I'm on the rag, and the deep and persistent pain in my uterus makes me want to tear into things -- and it's better for me to tear into sexism and racism than it is for me to tear into, say, the wall. For the sake of both the wall and my hands.

However, having read all of Failbook's posts for today, nothing lights my fire. You've got your usual oddballs and ignorant turds, and I wouldn't say that each post today was a model for how people of different backgrounds can get along in this crazy world, but no one is admitting to sexual assault, so that makes it a good day for humanity at Facebook. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. I feel so sad.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Believe It Or Not, the Horror Escalates

Today's Failbook fail: Her Police Report Will Be the Last Laugh Though.

Some jackass writes a status message about how much he loves girls' breasts. Other dudebros say, "Totally, brodude." A woman says she'd be surprised if any women let the OP near their breasts.

The OP's response? Ahem: "groped my stepsister in her sleep this morning, so it looks like the joke's on you. and her too, i guess."

Yes. That's the "joke."

To quote the fabulous flick Zoolander, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Is this really what you've stooped to, Failbook? I mean, you didn't have to stoop very far -- ahem, raping the homeless, but still -- a guy molests his stepsister IN HER SLEEP, and you feel that's a good thing to spread to the masses of jackasses who read your "humorous" posts.

Do you seriously, seriously not understand that by posting these things, you're legitimizing and normalizing them? One of my favorite comics did a strip about this concept: you think something is unspeakable -- like sexual assault, or incest -- but little by little you can inch towards thinking it's acceptable. Posts like this one on Failbook do exactly that. Congratulations, douchehounds.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

What Would Yeshua Do? Not Post This.

Today's Failbook fail: Think of All the Siestas He Would've Taken Too.

Someone says they'd have preferred Jesus turn water into margaritas. (I'll take a Black River Boogie as long as you're taking requests, Jesus!) Some jackass comments, "then it'd be hay-soos, not gee-sus."

Besides being racist, this is also just incredibly stupid. First of all, I'm going to say in world production and consumption of margaritas, American college students probably are way out ahead. Some American college students are also Latino, mind you, but making and/or drinking a margarita is hardly a referendum on someone's race.

But even more stupid, to me, is the idea that Jesus actually pronounced his name "Gee-sus." I mean, that's what this jackass is implying, right? That Jesus was a nice white boy who pronounced his name the way modern-day white Americans do? Let me be the bearer of surprising news, then: Jesus was Semitic, probably looked more like modern-day Arabs more than anything, and pronounced his own name "Ye-shu-a." Because that was his name. Yeshua Ben Yosef. This whole "Jesus" thing is how the Greeks and Romans butchered that Jewish boy's moniker.

Oh, and Failbook has to make matters worse, as per usual. Yeah, those lazy Latinos, taking siestas! What the fuck, Failbook, is your staff comprised of former Warner Bros. employees who were cryogenically frozen in the 1950s?

I almost wish there had been a better fail today, because this one is just so stupid. On the other hand, I have to be thankful we don't have another show of pure evil like yesterday.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

No God Would Allow This Post To Happen

Today's Failbook fail: I'd Like to Think It's "Jumanji."

Someone wonders in their status what name atheists call out in bed. (As an atheist with a sex life, let me answer this burning question once and for all. Many of us do still say "god" in that situation, as well as others: "God, it's freezing in here"; "Just shut the door, for god's sake!"; "Oh my god"; etc. It doesn't mean we secretly believe in a deity. It means we use that syllable as an exclamation because it's so common in the English-speaking world.)

Anyway, back to the fail. A jackass replies, "Mine." (Ha. Um. Ha ha. Yes, we all call your name, rando.) Then the original posters says, "I said Atheists. Not High Park Homeless."

Eesh, wow, that some serious classism right there, in that the OP is clearly trying to insult the commenter by insinuating s/he has sex with homeless people.

But the response from the commenter is breathtaking it its horror: "What's the difference? By the time I'm finished with them they don't believe in a loving god any more [sic] anyway."

WHAAAAAAAAT. First of all, first of all, this comment is the end of the post! Meaning that THIS is the "joke" that Failbook thinks is so damn funny that it deserves to be posted! THE FACT THAT THE COMMENTER IS JOKING ABOUT RAPING HOMELESS PEOPLE. THAT IS THE "JOKE." THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH DISDAINFUL QUOTATION MARKS IN THE WORLD TO PUT AROUND THE WORD "JOKE."

Secondly, let's revisit the fact that this person just straight-up said, "I rape homeless people!" If you truly believe that this is not what this "joke" is about, you are deluded beyond my ability to yell the truth into your ear. This is the commenter's idea of a one-up. The OP insulted him/her by saying, "You have sex with homeless people." The commenter one-ups the OP by saying, "You mean I rape homeless people."

For some reason, although if the actual messages made up the post, it would rightfully be seen as horrifying, veiled statements that convey the exact same message are . . . hilarious? Supposedly? To their (small) credit, the commenters on the Failbook post seem just as mystified as I am. When even the rape-loving commenters at Failbook think you've gone off the rails, you've gone off the fucking rails, Failbook.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Too Tired for a Good Title

Today's Failbook fail: His Man Card Was the Admission Price, Don't Worry.

I'm gonna be honest with you all -- I went out drinking with friends tonight, and I'm in no shape to write a long-ass entry. (I'm not drunk -- I can't get drunk anymore, thank you so much, crappy pancreas -- just bone tired.)

So, you know the drill. A man admits he likes something not coded 100% masculine. His gender is called into question. We've seen this before. It's stupid. The end.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I Have to Go Cry Myself to Sleep Now.

Today's Failbook fail: FAILy nd Frens.

Congratulations, Failbook. Today's fail is the first one of the 35ish I've posted that has literally made me sick to my stomach.

The whole fail -- THE WHOLE THING -- is just a photo of a fat Black woman holding the ASL "I love you" sign in front of a prison visiting room window, behind which her Black partner (boyfriend? husband?), decked out in prison orange, looks really happy to see her.

The photo, which was posted by the woman, is captioned, "tyrone gonna bail out soon baby i love you hang i there!"

That's the "fail." The "fail" is that this Black woman is audacious enough to love a Black man in prison. The "fail" is not that America has jailed so many Black men. The "fail" is not that America continues to oppress Black people, creating ghettos, economic instability, childhood malnutrition, lack of education, and through-the-roof homicide rates.

Look, I don't know what this poor guy did (if anything). But just looking at their faces, it's really hard for me to believe that the guy is, say, a murderer. (Would he be about to be let out on bail if he were? Probably not.) Nine chances out of ten, he got thrown in there for some minor drug offense. He has a partner who loves him and came to visit him in jail. She smiled as she snapped a photo of the two of them together in the only way they could be in that moment. And Failbook labeled it "fail."

I sincerely hope this couple never finds the Failbook post about them. If they do, I hope they don't scroll down to see the comments such as:
  • "jeez, just ship them back to africa for god’s sake…"
  • "Wunn munckeey enn kaje. Uthhuur owt." (Or, in actual English, "One monkey in cage. Other out.")
  • "send them to africa! they already claim it partially as their nationality. i don’t hyphenate it, i am american!"
  • "Wonder how many crotch droppings she’s toting around."
I didn't even have to scroll down that far. The comments are just radiating with racist hatred. Hence my nausea. Fuck you, Failbook.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Nothing Is "Fine" Here, Actually

Today's Failbook fail: It's Fine, She Was Wearing a Helmet.

This gem must be reproduced in its entirety:

Jackass #1 (apparently female): my boyfriend slapped a retard today! LOL
Jackass #2 (male? female?): all domestic violence should be reported. you shouldn't let him hit you again.

And then some asshole "liked" the second jackass's comment.

So Jackass #1 is proud of her boyfriend for a) being violent b) towards a disabled person. Or, if the person was actually not developmentally disabled, then she is using the word "retard" to describe someone she thinks is, well, not valuable as a person. So she's racking up two points.

And Jackass #2 is c) making light of domestic violence d) in order to call Jackass #1 a "retard." Two more points! Bravissimo!

And then, just for that extra fail to push it up to a nice handful of points, Failbook titles the post "It's Fine, She Was Wearing a Helmet." It's funny because the boyfriend did slap the original poster, and therefore she is the "retard" in question, but Failbook says it's okay!! BECAUSE SHE WAS WEARING A HELMET HA HA HA HA HA.

Hey, did you know that developmentally disabled people have feelings? I don't think the Failbook crew knows. I mean, I have to believe they don't know, because the alternative makes me want to throw myself into a ravine.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Today's Failbook fail: iAmanidiot.

Some sucker leaves his Facebook logged in at an Apple store. Some jackass takes the opportunity to post a status message.

Well, okay, maybe you or I would do the same thing. But would you say "Im [sic] a little gay boy" and "I just got fraped"? No, no you would not. First, if you're reading this, there's a good chance that you don't believe calling someone "gay" is an insult. Second, you probably also would never use the word "frape," because it is a ridiculous insult to rape victims.

In a stunning turn of events, I'm not by myself on this one. Someone in Failbook's comments section brings up their discomfort with the homophobic slur. The response? I shit you not: it is, in full, "Because most ppl aren’t little f@gz like you. get off the internet if you don’t like ppl making fun of that scum". Delightful. Hope you enjoy the culture you're encouraging, Failbook! (Are there really no gay employees there? No women, either? No rape victims?)

Here are some alternate pranks, given that you hate neither gay people nor rape victims:
  • Post the status, "Please taunt me for leaving myself signed in at the Apple Store. 'Like' this if you want to teach me a lesson!"
  • Change the sucker's favorite bands to Nickelback, Creed, and Staind.
  • Fill in "Steve Jobs worshiper" in the sucker's "Religion" field.
If you're not familiar with humor that's not at the expense of oppressed groups of people, you might need more training than I can give in one blog post. See your local Learning Annex for more.

Monday, January 17, 2011

"I think I have bronchitis." "Never mind that, how 'bout a nose job?"

Today's Failbook fail: Bedside Manner.

The exchange that goes most of the way through the comments on this status is near and dear to my heart. I'm troubled by the medical profession a) upselling patients on entirely cosmetic services, and b) fat-shaming patients to the extent that they don't want to seek medical attention anymore.

To expand more on (a): this has happened to me quite a bit recently. I've moved, so I've had new dentists a couple times in the last three years. Every time I fill out a new patient intake form, I've had to answer bullshit questions like, "If you could change one thing about your smile, what would it be?" and "Are your teeth as white as you'd like them to be?" This angers me. I'm seeking medical attention, but instead of having my issues addressed, I'm being pressured to purchase things that will not make me healthier, just make the dentists richer. The same thing happens in dermatologists' offices (seeking treatment for a rash, I was made to fill out a form almost begging me to take an interest in Botox) and at the nutritionist (I was there because of an endocrine disorder, but hammered with offers for weight-loss products).

It's my opinion that this is a real violation of trust inherent in the doctor/patient relationship. But instead of going on and on about this, I'll merely point out that the patient in this Failbook post has a perfectly valid point. Why would a pediatrician's first question to her young patient be, "What are you doing about your acne?" This is bordering on unethical. Surely the appropriate first question is if she's been feeling all right lately and/or has any concerns or complaints.

Acne is not life-threatening. In all but a handful of cases, it is annoying but cosmetic, and disappears for most people naturally around age 20. Some adolescents feel strongly enough about their acne that they treat it, even when the treatments can have heavy side effects. Others prefer to let acne run its course. And most kids fall somewhere in the middle, putting Noxzema on it when it gets bad. These are all valid options, and a doctor shouldn't make acne an issue unless a patient brings it up.

Now, (b) is a much bigger issue. Others have written about it far more eloquently than I, but I'll make a few points:
  1. Shaming patients for their weight does not inspire them to keep up on medical care for themselves.
  2. Fat does not equal unhealthy.
  3. Changing your diet to lose weight does not work.
  4. If this doctor should be recommending anything, it's physical activity (which this girl may already be engaging in! -- who knows if the doctor even asked).
Good on this girl for recognizing the crappy care she's getting. So why is this Failbook post a fail, if the poster in the original status message brought up two big, legitimate issues about her medical care, and her friend backed her up? Can you guess? Can you???

If you guessed, "Some dude jumped into the thread and mansplained why the girls are OH SO WRONG," ten points to you!! And BRAVO. You truly know the power of the mansplanation.

Anyway, some jackass pops in and mouths crap about how these girls want their doctor to "pussyfoot" and "sugarcoat." No, they want their doctors to treat them with respect. I know, it's a radical notion: treating a pimply, fat teenage girl with respect?? ABSURD. NOT WHILE I STILL HAVE BREATH IN MY BODY.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I Would Have Broken the Thing Over His Head

Today's Failbook fail: Men Are Subtle.

There's something so heartbreaking about this post. One woman's status message is that her husband has bought her razors instead of flowers. One can only imagine that this is his way of insisting she submit to the cultural norm of the smooth-legged, smooth-underarmed woman.

But the comment on the status really takes things to another level. The second woman confesses that when she was pregnant and told her husband she could no longer scrub the bathtub, he bought her a scrubber on a stick.

Is there no more shining example of male privilege than this one? He is unable to conceive that he himself should clean the bathroom, even when his wife is limited in her movements because she's carrying his child.

One may wonder at the people put on display in this post. However, given that Failbook is supposed to be "Too Funny to Unfriend," not, say, "Too Sad, in a John Updike Novel Sort of Way, to Unfriend," this is definitely a fail.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Today's Failbook fail: Keep Your Friends Close...

Our fail on this lovely Saturday evening involves "Pedobear," the pedophile bear invented by a group of dudes who spend too much time on web bulletin boards.

The joke is that someone using the Pedobear avatar has "liked" the Maryland AMBER Alert Program. So, some jackass who treats the rape of children as a joke is also trivializing police efforts to save kids who have been abducted.

You're right, Failbook. That is hilarious. I'm going to laugh for a long time, after the bleakness of the whole idea of someone inventing a cartoon pedophile bear dissipates. Should only be, oh, ten, twelve years, tops.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Gay Fatherhood Fail

Today's Failbook fail: John's Going to Be a Father!

It's tough to know the circumstances of this one. Is John gay and partnered, and they're adopting a kid? Or is John straight, and his "friends" believe that the best way to insult a man is to insinuate he's gay?

In any case, there's a multitude of fail here, but the last comment really takes the failcake: "I believed you, I was just shocked it didn't say mother."

In case you're not up on the theory of homophobia, it is generally accepted by Queer Studies scholars that homophobia is born of misogyny. Men putting themselves in the "feminine" position of being the non-penetrative partner in intercourse means that men are lowering themselves to a woman's status. We see this all the time in homophobic discourse, and Colin's comment is a perfect example. Because John is gay (or, at least, that's the narrative his "friends" are going with), he is therefore a woman. And this is not a good thing.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Fictional Fail

Today's Failbook fail: Defending Ginny's Honor.

The best thing to be said about this post is that it is not real. Obviously.

But everything else to be said about it is full of fail. At least the part with "Ron" is somewhat in character, but then it goes off the rails. "Voldemort" says something so ridiculous I'm not bothering to transcribe, but it describes Ginny's vagina as being extremely commodious, thanks to her sluttiness.

Okay, yes, I get it -- Voldemort is evil, he's just being his evil self. But it's telling that of all the ways this humor writer could think of to have Voldie insult Ginny, a remark about her sluttiness is the way he goes. (Let's get real, it's probably a he.) Ginny is the one female character in the Harry Potter series who displays sexual agency, so fuck yeah, let's make some gross jokes about her cunt! WOOOOO!!!

Next "Lucius" chimes in to agree (wha?) and Harry goes apeshit. Then, in possibly the subtlest fail of the post, he calls Voldemort a "twat."

The vagina: even when you're defending it, it's still a slur.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

No fail!

Surprisingly, January 12th didn't have any notable Failbook fails. May there be many days like it to come.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Foreign Slurs Are Still Slurs

Today's Failbook fail: Network Names.

As is pretty common with Failbook fails, the real fail comes not in the status message itself, but in the comments. The original status message is some funny thing about a wireless network named "ILOVEBALLS." I actually have quite a soft spot for the original message, since our next-door neighbors have a network called "Hail-Satan."

But then some jackass has to comment and ruin everything, of course: "I changed mine to 'Police Surveillance Van 2' - keep the pikeys next door on there [sic] toes : )"

Are you unfamiliar with the word "pikey"? I was, too. But I had the sinking feeling it would turn out to be a word I would never want to use.

Lo and behold, I was right: according to Wikipedia, "Pikey is a pejorative slang term used mainly in the United Kingdom to refer to Irish Travellers, gypsies or people of low social class."

I'm sure most Americans have heard of gypsies, who I believe preferred to be called Roma, but I had never heard of Irish Travellers! One click on Wikipedia gave me this money quote: "The European Parliament Committee of Enquiry on Racism and Xenophobia found them to be amongst the most discriminated-against ethnic groups in Ireland and yet their status remains insecure in the absence of widespread legal endorsement."

Thanks for adding a nice little teaspoon of discrimination to the mountains' worth they're already enduring, Failbook.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pop Star Fail

Today's Failbook Fail: Rough Night.

Some guy mentions Ke$ha, and then a bunch of men make asshole comments about how 1) she is overrated (okay, I guess that's fair, if you don't dig her style), 2) she is a drunken slut (oh, now, wait just a sec . . .), 3) she is a totally dirty slut (come on, fellas), and 4) she is a fat drug-addicted slut (okay, shut it down, jackasses!)

For some reason we subject female pop stars to the most intense scrutiny and ridicule regarding their sexual lives. Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Lady Gaga, Madonna -- I'm mixing my eras here, I know, but as soon as a woman has enormous success in the music business, all of a sudden we have a burning desire to critique anything to do with her vagina. It fucking baffles me.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Ablist Usage That Will Not Die

Today's Failbook fail: Please Stop.

Someone can't type, so someone replies and likens their typing to that of a "retarded squirrel."

As a diehard language prescriptivist, I agree that this sort of typing needs to be smacked down hard. But there's no need to be ablist while doing the smacking. I think "uneducated squirrel" has the same comedic impact, but without insulting the developmentally disabled.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Treat Girls Like Human Beings

Today's Failbook fail: Treat Girls How?

Oh man. With a title like that, you know we've got a winner.

It starts when a woman, frustrated by the way she (or maybe a friend) is being treated by the men in her life, exhorts her male readers to "treat girls the way you treat your blunts and video games."

All right, so she's no Abigail Adams. But her meaning is clear: the men she knows treasure their material possessions more than their romantic partners. Perhaps it's a simple matter of how much time is spent with girlfriends vice playing video games and smoking up; perhaps there are other considerations.

Then the men she knows flock to comment, all saying variants of, "Really, you want us to treat you as disposable?"

Yes, that's clearly what she meant. Oh, wait, no it's not, and you're just proving her point. Bravo, sirs.

Friday, January 7, 2011

I'll See Your Self-Hatred and Raise You My Body Policing

Today's Failbook fail: Resolution Support FAIL.

A woman thinks she is fat! Her father concurs! The woman is upset!

Ha ha ha ha, I'm wiping the tears from my eyes, OMG you guys, this is so edgy and hilarious, we have to get it on Failbook!! SHE'S FAT!! Do you get it?!?!? FAAAAT. AND HER FATHER IS ALL, "YEAH YOU ARE." Do you get it?????? He's supposed to be one of the very few people in the world who loves her unconditionally, one of the tiny number of souls on Earth who are supposed to help her cut through the body hatred that her culture heaps upon her so that she can exist without hating her very self, BUT HE TOTALLY CALLED OUT HER BUTT FAT INSTEAD!!!! HILARIOUS!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

No fail!

I am pleasantly surprised to report that January 6th is fail-free. Go in peace.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Yeah, You Gay Gay, You

Today's Failbook fail: 21.

Some kid posts an idiotic meme. His "friends" respond by calling him gay.

As though it were funny, as though homosexuality had some sort of correlation with propensity to post idiotic Facebook memes, as though "gay" were an insult. Can someone tell me why this is supposed to even be funny?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Breakup Fail

Today's Failbook fail: Turnabout is Fair Play.

Okay, I think we need the direct quotes on this one.

Dude: "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
His ex-girlfriend: I wish I was psychic...
Dude: Me too... instead of psychotic.

And then some jackass gawks at the trainwreck.

For the record, I think for your own health, you should be required to unfriend an ex the minute you break up. I still remember the punch-in-the-gut feeling I got every time I saw photos of my first serious boyfriend with his new girl.

But in the event you don't do that, for the love of Mike, there is a minimum standard of behavior you are expected to uphold. There is a tendency among straight American men, when relationships with women fail, to label their exes "crazy bitch" or some variant thereof. Besides being disrespectful to the mentally ill, this is also delightfully sexist. What exactly is the message? "If you don't want me, you are an unacceptable excuse for a human being"? Implied, of course, are the messages that certain kinds of women and the mentally ill are not human. Of course.

Monday, January 3, 2011


Today's Failbook fail: Gay Frape is Super Effective!

Don't click through. There's no need. The comments are actually surprisingly accepting and loving of gay people.

No, it's Failbook's choice of wording that I'm calling into serious question. Failbook has adopted the portmanteau "frape" (Facebook + rape) to mean "someone hacking into or otherwise illegitimately using another person's Facebook account" (see the Urban Dictionary definitions as well).

I have actually contacted Failbook about this, because I think it is beyond the pale. If I were to ask any decent human being, "Hey, do you think it's all right to trivialize rape by comparing it to someone hacking your Facebook account?", I feel confident they would say no. If you need Dane Cook to explain to you why this is wrong (Dane Cook! of all people!), go watch at YouTube.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's Like, How Do They Even Brush Their Teeth??

Today's Failbook fail: Bless You! (You'll Need It).

A woman remarks there are "jizz stains all over [her] walls!" A man comments that she should learn to cover her mouth when she sneezes.

Sexually active women: are their mouths ever NOT full of semen?? Zing!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Bro? Duuuude.

Today's Failbook fail: Cheers!

Dude: i have a beer as cold as my ex girlfriend's heart
Other dude: When you get one as big as her ASS...let me know!

Then the first dude, like, high-fives his dudebro. Bros before hos, amirite?!?!?

Look, I don't know this gentleman's former ladyfriend. Perhaps she is cold-hearted. But I think there is a greater probability that he's disrespecting her because he is bitter.

And then his dudebro chimes in, "ALSO SHE WAS FAT LOLOLOLOL." This is not an insult, but these two brodudes clearly think it is.

I'm beginning to see why the two of you broke up, jackass.