Empathy Fail

Today's Failbook fail: New Knees.

A woman wishes she had received new knees for Christmas.

What is your first thought upon reading that? Mine is of all the female athletes I know who have fucked up their knees in one way or another. Most of them are either runners or softball players. I know their joint pain is a huge impediment to doing what they want in their lives.

Of course, the guy who comments does not have a shred of this thing we call "empathy." His comment alludes to her having destroyed her knees through, what else, excessive blow jobs.

(I have to say, though maybe I shouldn't say, that I've participated in my fair share of oral sex, and I will never understand the stereotype of it occurring while the man is standing and the woman is on her knees. Everything really goes smoother if both parties are horizontal. Also, oral sex is reciprocal, though I don't think this commenter knows that.)

So, in summary, a woman is in pain, and a man slut shames her. Thanks, Failbook!

Graphic Violence Fail

Today's Failbook fail: Classic Jokes: #31.

Woman: Complete the following sentence: "I like my coffee like I like my men (or women), ____"
Another woman: ground up and in the freezer

Ha . . . ha. Yeah. Don't worry; the 332 men who were murdered in 2005 by their intimate partners are laughing in the Spirit World. It's that deadpan delivery -- get it, DEADpan?!?

I Say Again: TITS!!

Today's Failbook fail: Dad's a Pro!

Wow, today's a doozy. Money quote: "If it has tits or tires you're going to have problems."

Then the dude's girlfriend says something neutral, and finally the dude's dad tells him to consult his "old man" "when servicing tits."

Wait, can we go back to the part where a) he identifies his girlfriend entirely by an impolite name for her most noticeable secondary sex characteristics and b) equates being in a relationship with his girlfriend to owning a motor vehicle? So I guess this means women are subhuman. Because of these tits!! All the matter that would've gone into creating our souls goes into plumping up our tits instead!! Aww yeah, I figured it out.

All Edges, In Fact. Just One Long Edge.

Today's Failbook fail: You Can't Beat a Night Like That.

Person #1: I've always said the more bruises you wake up with, the better the night, but this is just ridiculous
Person #2: Told you not to go drinking with Chris Brown.

For the seven people who never heard, Chris Brown pleaded guilty to physically assaulting his then-girlfriend, Rihanna. Both of them are famous musicians, which might be why this domestic violence case was actually taken seriously by the police.

On the scale of social acceptability, I like to believe that intimate partner violence jokes rate as slightly more acceptable than rape jokes, but less so than more run-of-the-mill sexism. Of course, Failbook trucks in all three, because they are edgy.

Sexismbook, née Failbook

Today's Failbook fail: On Her Knees.

A woman remarks that her region has gotten so much snow that, if she were to kneel down on her property, she would be effectively invisible. A man makes a reference to blow jobs.

I am beginning to think that any time a woman mentions her knees, kneeling, or maybe even the French word née, there are some men who think it's the perfect time to bust out a blow job joke. Subject matter goes by the wayside! She said "knee"! Quick, what does the Blow Job Joke Oracle have to say on this vital occasion??

And What Does This Imply About Penises?

Today's Failbook fail: Z-Z-Z-Z-ING!

A woman jokes about using a cucumber to masturbate. A man responds that the cucumber must have become a pickle.

That's right: not only can we wither crops when we're on the rag, we can pickle cucumbers with these babies. Vaginas: versatile and deadly!

Putting the "Christ, Seriously??" in Christmas

Today's Failbook fail: Getting Out of a Ticket.

Man: And that my friends is how you talk your way out of being towed and getting a parking ticket
Man #2: How did the cock taste

In case you were unaware, there are thousands, if not millions, of human beings who have been forced to perform oral sex by an authority figure in a uniform. Just look at the soldiers currently using rape as a weapon of war in the Congo.

You'll forgive me if I neglect to laugh at the flippant suggestion that one of the most horrible things that can happen to a person has happened to the commenter's "friend."

Merry fucking Christmas.

Twas the Lack of Fail Before Christmas

No fail today. There's a questionable post that seems to be some really shitty parenting, but you know, I don't know these people. My mom and I can cheerfully joke about her death (she's come close in the past, thanks to a congenital heart defect), and while someone else might see it and be horrified, we're fine with it.

Failbook gave us all Christmas early, I guess.

Well, You Look Like a Boob

Today's Failbook fail: I Actually Tried to Click This Picture.

Today, everyone, is a special day -- we've got sexism aimed at men and women both!! Bust out the party hats, because everyone's being oppressed!

Without my going through the barfy task of transcribing this tripe, let me explain. You know how spammers/hackers come up with some link that they think everyone will click, and then they get enough control over your FB account so that you spam your friends list with that link? All right, well, that's what's going on here. The spam link is about Miley Cyrus, calling her a "stupid bitch" and otherwise defaming her. Shaming famous women -- original, right?? Never mind that she's barely 18.

The comment conversation attached to this spam link is priceless. It's a man and a woman. The man says he clicked on it (thereby spreading the spam) because "it looked like a boob pic." A woman berates him, saying, "that's how hackers and spammers get you men... like titties on a hook, you're fish!"

Make no mistake, the guy in this exchange is a moron. But there are plenty of men who are not. Let's not tar all dudes with the same brush, okay?

Also, the mental image of "titties on a hook" is just too awful for words. It's like one of those serial murderers of women thought it up. Eugh.

Your Normally Scheduled Rant Will Resume Tomorrow

There are a lot of little fails today -- I sense a whiff of classism in this post, and only a few well-placed quotations marks in this one prevented me from choosing it as today's fail. There's nothing big enough to set me off on a healthy rant. Sorry, folks.

More Like Relationship WIN

Today's Failbook fail: Man FAIL.

A woman praises her boyfriend (husband? something) to the skies for coming to her OB/GYN appointment and holding her hand the whole time. Her "friends" make comments about their own discomfort. Failbook titles it, "Man FAIL."

Unless there is a lump of steel where your heart should be, I am sure you can think of some reasons why a woman would want a loved one holding her hand while a doctor shoves mean cold duck lips up her vagina and swabs her cervix. Perhaps this woman is a victim of sexual assault. Maybe she has vaginal pain that is exacerbated by Pap smears. In any case, she hates it, but having her boyfriend there makes it less traumatizing for her.

But doing that for his girlfriend makes him not a man. Or so says Failbook. Because helping your significant other through trauma is so girly, OMG, how can you even set foot in a gyno office with all the plastic vag models and shit?!?! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT GAY NOW????

You Also Fail the Decency Exam

Oh my heavens, there is so much fail to choose from today. But I have to go with . . .

Today's Failbook fail: Extra Credit?

It's some douchebag's status message, that is, in its entirety: "I had to buckle in the lady who gave me my driving test because she was too fat to do it herself and she still failed me."

Let me get this straight. You can't drive well enough to meet your state's licensure criteria. But you expect to be passed, regardless of your abilities, because you had to help your examiner buckle her safety belt.

Am I missing something? Do fat people lose their right to do their job properly? Did buckling that belt cause such hardship for this d-bag that s/he could no longer summon the energy to drive to the standards of the exam? Is there any correlation at all here, or any message besides "fat people are subhuman"?

My contempt is boundless, truly.

I Mean, BLOW JOBS, Amirite?!!?

Today's Failbook fail: This Job Blows.

A guy says he got a job. His "friends" say it must be performing blow jobs on a certain man. Failbook thinks this is so funny that they include it among other Facebook exchanges that have actual humor in them.

Yeah, I've got nothing. There are some people in the world who think that men performing blow jobs on other men is TEH FUNNIEST THING EVAR. I have nothing to say to those people.

Your Spectrum of Sexuality Is a Wonderland

Today's Failbook fail: He Did. About an Hour Ago.

A man states his opinion that John Mayer has the sexiest voice ever. (I have to vehemently disagree on this, but to each their own.) A woman states her discomfort with this opinion. A man tells the original poster to inform them all when he officially comes out of the closet. Failbook asserts that, through his original post, he already has come out of the closet.

Far be it from me to destroy your quaint, adorable ideas about binary sexuality, but it doesn't work that way, dearies. For instance, I recently saw Made in Dagenham, a British movie about striking workers. There were tons of actors and actresses in it, and of all of them, you know who set my little heart aflutter? Rosamund Pike, who is, as you may have guessed, a woman. I identify as straight; I'm marrying a man in less than a year. That doesn't mean I can't think women are sexy. It just means I don't tend to have sex with women.

Similarly, you can think John Mayer has a sexy voice and be straight, gay, bi, whatever. It doesn't mean you're necessarily gay. It does mean you have pretty mediocre taste in music, but that's another issue.

Move Along, Nothing to See

No fail today. Plenty of unfunny shit, but nothing to arouse my contempt.

Sexuality =/= Musicality

Today's Failbook fail: Related?

A man likes the new Taylor Swift CD. His "friend" comments that means he can't be straight.

A short, and by no means comprehensive, list of things that do not make you gay: liking Broadway musicals, cleaning your house, using hair gel, and listening to Taylor Swift's music. A short and complete list of things that make you gay: being sexually attracted to members of your own gender.

Trans Fail

Today's Failbook fail: Those Eyes, Those Thighs, SURPRISE!

Two douchebags spew buckets of vile slurs and hatred aimed at transfolk, including a threat of violence. This is "funny."

In related news, being trans instead of cis ups the likelihood of being a victim of murder by at least a factor of 10. Please take a moment to think of the hundreds of transwomen for whom this poster's words are echoes of the last words they ever heard, before actually being strangled (or beaten or shot or raped and left to die or . . . .)

If you are still laboring under the delusion that this Failbook post is "funny," spend a few minutes reading about the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Worst. Portmanteau. Ever.

Today's Failbook fail: Frape: The Aftermath.

A person sets the record straight about their vital statistics (e.g. religion, marital status) after his/her sister "fucked with [their] Facebook." People laugh, myself included -- that is, until I see what Failbook chose to call the post.

"Frape." It's their brilliant little portmanteau of "Facebook" and "rape." Because someone hacking your Facebook account is so similar to someone holding you down and using your body against your will. Because referring to rape so casually could never hurt rape survivors or the people who love them. And most of all, because no rapists could ever get the notion that this society doesn't actually give a flying fuck about rape, if we're willing to throw the word around so casually.

I don't get the feeling that Failbook is ever going to stop posting racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic shit on their website. But you know, they could kick their class factor up exactly one notch if they didn't introduce rape into posts where it wasn't even mentioned by the people being quoted.