Thursday, April 14, 2011

There's a "Sally Forth" Joke Here Somewhere

Today's Failbook fail: Works Every Time.

Question: How do you make a woman fall in love with you?

My answer: Hmm. Well, you can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else, right? That's . . . sort of the point of love. It's a great, mysterious force that strikes by surprise and keeps you locked in its hold through good times and crappy times alike. Asking me why I love my guy is like asking me why I sleep in a bed or why I eat tomatoes: it's just so obvious to me (though for other people, obviously, it wouldn't be obvious at all!), and I can't imagine things any other way.

That being said, if you have a girl you've got your eye on, there are things you can do to try to win her favor. Asking her out is a good start. Always respect her bodily autonomy. Never think you "deserve" a kiss for taking her out to dinner, or "deserve" sex for taking her out a few times. (Also, it's not on you to pay for the dates! It's 2011, fellas.) You deserve nothing, but she may choose to kiss you, or sleep with you, provided that's also something you want. Get enthusiastic consent for any sexual acts -- "Do you want me to do this? What would you enjoy?" Etc. If she says, "I just want to snuggle," don't be all dickishly disappointed. Snuggle like a pro.

Listen when she talks. Take her opinions seriously. Honor her intelligence. Look at things from her perspective. If you get this right, you'll be way ahead of the pack.

If you actually act on things you hear, you'll do great. If she talks about how Ben Folds Five was the first concert she ever went to (. . . ahem, not that I base that on my life or anything), maybe get her the new Ben Folds album for her birthday. You see where I'm going. It's all about listening and making her realize you do listen.

Oh, and don't lie. And if you're not feeling things, don't be like, "I need some time to think about our future," or whatever. Just apologize and end things kindly. Gah. (. . . Ahem. Again.)

So, that's pretty much it, I guess.

Facebook's answer: "have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money"

. . .

I, um.

. . .

Wait, so this dude wants me to bite off his wang? Or is this supposed to be a goose-that-laid-the-golden-egg scenario, what with the money ejaculation? Oh, wait, I have a JOB. I don't need jizz made of pennies, ASSHOLE. So yeah, I'll be biting off your dick now, douchebag.

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