No Cymbal Hit for You, Ass

Today's Failbook fail: I Thought He Said "Never Guess."

So it's come to this. We've progressed from piercing your ears makes you gay, liking breakfast makes you gay, and enjoying male singers' voices makes you gay. Now here we are. At the Gaypocalypse. Where merely posting a Facebook status about yourself makes you gay.

Failbook mods, Failbook readers -- in fact, Facebook users of the world. I have an announcement. Ahem.

CALLING SOMEONE "GAY" IS NOT A PUNCHLINE.

I'll just wait for you all to come up with new jokes. How long do you think I'll be waiting, hmm? Till the Sun turns into a red giant?

Doubleheader

Today's Failbook fails: That Time Is Now and Roadside Assistance.

I was agonizing -- yes, dear readers, agonizing -- over which of these two piles of shit to deconstruct, and my dear fiancé said I should do a two-for-one deal, which I thought was fair, since I took the weekend off.

In the first, a father masquerades as his daughter on Facebook, saying that she has just found her boyfriend (husband?) in bed with another man, and so she is dumping him, because he is "so GAY." So, all right, it's hard to know what the father's intentions were here -- does he hate the boyfriend? Is it "good-natured ribbing"?

In any case, if a woman were to actually walk in on her significant other having sex with another man, I imagine the reaction would be more along the lines of, "You asshole! You cheated on me!" But no, the father just wanted to be like, "GAY GAY GAY, " so of course that's the faux reaction we get.

And then the daughter puts the crap cherry on this shit pie by saying her dad has "fraped" her. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. It's bad enough that this phrase makes light of rape -- must you add to it by implicating your own father?? It's as if she doesn't even see the word anymore, she uses it so casually.

The second steaming turd is all sexism, all the time. A woman expresses gratitude for the man who kindly stopped to help her change her tire. Men flock to the status to say dumb shit. "Hurr durr, it's because you have boobs. Hurr durr, if you were a man you'd change your own tire. Hurr durr, you didn't strip for him in gratitude?" A woman cannot even thank a man for his kindness without other men coming along, whipping out their dicks, and peeing all over the scene. Sexism: turning men into douchebags since THE DAWN OF TIME.

Breaking News!!

Today's Failbook fail: Uncle Frank's Opinion.

A guy is thinking about piercing his ears. His uncle says it will make him gay, or reveal that he's gay, or some such shit.

So let's go over the things that Failbook says will make you gay (if you're a man, naturally): ear piercing, eating meat, having a baby, reposting Facebook memes, having a job, liking male vocalists, and liking female vocalists.

Holy shit, you guys, EVERY MAN IS GAY. You'd have to be an unemployed, childless, vegetarian music-hater who doesn't use social networking sites! So . . . the only straight men are hikikomori. (As long as we go by the American defintion, whereby fish is not meat, Japan is a good population to draw from here.) The rest of you dudes? You're all queermos. Hope you've got plenty of lube.

Just STFU About Bieber, Mmkay?

Today's Failbook fail: An Unfortunate Typo.

Let me just vomit up some words about Justin Bieber, a man whom I have never met: BLARGH GAY HOMOQUEER GIRLY-GIRL FAG FUDGEPACKER GAY GAY LESBO COCKSUCKER FAGGY PRINCESS GAY WOMAN BLARGH.

There, now you have an accurate rendition of every single motherfucking Failbook entry that mentions Justin Bieber.

Douchequake

Today's Failbook fail: Town Hall Discussion.

Blah blah blah, open forum, blah blah, lesbians caused the New Zealand earthquake.

If this dude was serious, he is a bigoted douche. If this guy was making a joke, he is an idiot. Are you aware, sir, that people actually believe this? At the very least, if it's not clear you're making a joke, then some people will see that and get bigoted, ridiculous ideas.

Even if it were clear . . . I mean, again, it's like that whole "back to the kitchen" thing. You may mean it ironically, but there are plenty of people who will take it utterly seriously, so maybe you could deign not to parrot the words of people who oppress marginalized groups that don't have a bite of your nice privilege sandwich.

And one more thing: I don't care how ironic you think you're being -- it's too damn soon. They're still cleaning up rubble, for fuck's sake.

Breakfast Is So Gay

Today's Failbook fail: Joshua Got Stuck.

Some guy says he wants meat. His "friends" say they've heard he loves a great sausage. The guy plays along, then realizes what they mean.

LOL! He's gay! LOL, LOL, LOL! Are you LOLing with me?? Gay, gay, gay, LOL!

Man, I'm cracking myself up. Hey, maybe I should write for Failbook!

That's So Straight.

Today's Failbook fail: Phone PHAIL.

Breaking news: "Gay" still not a synonym for "broken," "bad," or "wrong"! In other news, the Earth still orbiting the sun four billion years after its formation! Later this hour, we show the shocking truth about mammals: they STILL have hair and a neocortex!!

Why are we are so inured to "gay" as a random negative adjective? Can you imagine the average teenager walking around saying shit like, "My principal blocked Twitter at school. He is so black!", or, "My mom grounded me for a week! It's so wheelchair-user of her.*" I'm not playing Oppression Olympics here; I had a really wise African Studies prof in college who campaigned fiercely against that kind of thinking, and it stuck with me. I just can't believe it's 2011 and we're still saying, "That's so gay." And most people don't even bat an eyelash.

Anyway, thanks, Failbook, for slipping that in there. I was starting to get worried that you thought gay people were human beings or something!

*I think some people would argue that the use of "lame" actually fits the bill here, but I respectfully disagree. Words that initially serve to negatively label oppressed groups can and do evolve beyond that usage. My go-to example is "dumb," which was used against the Deaf for decades, but there are no Deaf people arguing we shouldn't say "dumb" to mean something is stupid. It has become utterly divorced from the Deaf. Similarly, when people say something is "lame," they do not connect it in the least with people with physical disabilities. I don't believe this is the case for "gay," the primary difference being that it's a group's self-label, not a superfluous outgroup usage.

Mostly, Just Shut Up

Today's Failbook fail: The Justin Bieber Movie Trailer.

My fail yesterday was not posting! We did have power, but the day got away from me. My apologies.

Someone mentions Justin Bieber. Some jackass makes a joke about how Bieber is closeted.

I'm so tired of this joke. It's hard for me to believe that the folks at Failbook aren't. Justin Bieber: entertainer. I can look at him and approximate his age, maybe his race; I cannot examine his innermost desires and tell what his sexuality is. Neither can you. He could be gay, straight, asexual, bisesxual, whatever, and none of those orientations would be morally different from any other. We do people a disservice when we assume we know shit about their sexuality when they haven't identified as anything, because it reinforces stereotypes and creates rampant heterosexism.

So . . . shut up.

uAreABigot

Today's Failbook fail: iAmanidiot.

Some sucker leaves his Facebook logged in at an Apple store. Some jackass takes the opportunity to post a status message.

Well, okay, maybe you or I would do the same thing. But would you say "Im [sic] a little gay boy" and "I just got fraped"? No, no you would not. First, if you're reading this, there's a good chance that you don't believe calling someone "gay" is an insult. Second, you probably also would never use the word "frape," because it is a ridiculous insult to rape victims.

In a stunning turn of events, I'm not by myself on this one. Someone in Failbook's comments section brings up their discomfort with the homophobic slur. The response? I shit you not: it is, in full, "Because most ppl aren’t little f@gz like you. get off the internet if you don’t like ppl making fun of that scum". Delightful. Hope you enjoy the culture you're encouraging, Failbook! (Are there really no gay employees there? No women, either? No rape victims?)

Here are some alternate pranks, given that you hate neither gay people nor rape victims:

• Post the status, "Please taunt me for leaving myself signed in at the Apple Store. 'Like' this if you want to teach me a lesson!"
• Change the sucker's favorite bands to Nickelback, Creed, and Staind.
• Fill in "Steve Jobs worshiper" in the sucker's "Religion" field.

If you're not familiar with humor that's not at the expense of oppressed groups of people, you might need more training than I can give in one blog post. See your local Learning Annex for more.

Gay Fatherhood Fail

Today's Failbook fail: John's Going to Be a Father!

It's tough to know the circumstances of this one. Is John gay and partnered, and they're adopting a kid? Or is John straight, and his "friends" believe that the best way to insult a man is to insinuate he's gay?

In any case, there's a multitude of fail here, but the last comment really takes the failcake: "I believed you, I was just shocked it didn't say mother."

In case you're not up on the theory of homophobia, it is generally accepted by Queer Studies scholars that homophobia is born of misogyny. Men putting themselves in the "feminine" position of being the non-penetrative partner in intercourse means that men are lowering themselves to a woman's status. We see this all the time in homophobic discourse, and Colin's comment is a perfect example. Because John is gay (or, at least, that's the narrative his "friends" are going with), he is therefore a woman. And this is not a good thing.

Yeah, You Gay Gay, You

Today's Failbook fail: 21.

Some kid posts an idiotic meme. His "friends" respond by calling him gay.

As though it were funny, as though homosexuality had some sort of correlation with propensity to post idiotic Facebook memes, as though "gay" were an insult. Can someone tell me why this is supposed to even be funny?

I Mean, BLOW JOBS, Amirite?!!?

Today's Failbook fail: This Job Blows.

A guy says he got a job. His "friends" say it must be performing blow jobs on a certain man. Failbook thinks this is so funny that they include it among other Facebook exchanges that have actual humor in them.

Yeah, I've got nothing. There are some people in the world who think that men performing blow jobs on other men is TEH FUNNIEST THING EVAR. I have nothing to say to those people.

Your Spectrum of Sexuality Is a Wonderland

Today's Failbook fail: He Did. About an Hour Ago.

A man states his opinion that John Mayer has the sexiest voice ever. (I have to vehemently disagree on this, but to each their own.) A woman states her discomfort with this opinion. A man tells the original poster to inform them all when he officially comes out of the closet. Failbook asserts that, through his original post, he already has come out of the closet.

Far be it from me to destroy your quaint, adorable ideas about binary sexuality, but it doesn't work that way, dearies. For instance, I recently saw Made in Dagenham, a British movie about striking workers. There were tons of actors and actresses in it, and of all of them, you know who set my little heart aflutter? Rosamund Pike, who is, as you may have guessed, a woman. I identify as straight; I'm marrying a man in less than a year. That doesn't mean I can't think women are sexy. It just means I don't tend to have sex with women.

Similarly, you can think John Mayer has a sexy voice and be straight, gay, bi, whatever. It doesn't mean you're necessarily gay. It does mean you have pretty mediocre taste in music, but that's another issue.

Sexuality =/= Musicality

Today's Failbook fail: Related?

A man likes the new Taylor Swift CD. His "friend" comments that means he can't be straight.

A short, and by no means comprehensive, list of things that do not make you gay: liking Broadway musicals, cleaning your house, using hair gel, and listening to Taylor Swift's music. A short and complete list of things that make you gay: being sexually attracted to members of your own gender.