There's a "Sally Forth" Joke Here Somewhere

Today's Failbook fail: Works Every Time.

Question: How do you make a woman fall in love with you?

My answer: Hmm. Well, you can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else, right? That's . . . sort of the point of love. It's a great, mysterious force that strikes by surprise and keeps you locked in its hold through good times and crappy times alike. Asking me why I love my guy is like asking me why I sleep in a bed or why I eat tomatoes: it's just so obvious to me (though for other people, obviously, it wouldn't be obvious at all!), and I can't imagine things any other way.

That being said, if you have a girl you've got your eye on, there are things you can do to try to win her favor. Asking her out is a good start. Always respect her bodily autonomy. Never think you "deserve" a kiss for taking her out to dinner, or "deserve" sex for taking her out a few times. (Also, it's not on you to pay for the dates! It's 2011, fellas.) You deserve nothing, but she may choose to kiss you, or sleep with you, provided that's also something you want. Get enthusiastic consent for any sexual acts -- "Do you want me to do this? What would you enjoy?" Etc. If she says, "I just want to snuggle," don't be all dickishly disappointed. Snuggle like a pro.

Listen when she talks. Take her opinions seriously. Honor her intelligence. Look at things from her perspective. If you get this right, you'll be way ahead of the pack.

If you actually act on things you hear, you'll do great. If she talks about how Ben Folds Five was the first concert she ever went to (. . . ahem, not that I base that on my life or anything), maybe get her the new Ben Folds album for her birthday. You see where I'm going. It's all about listening and making her realize you do listen.

Oh, and don't lie. And if you're not feeling things, don't be like, "I need some time to think about our future," or whatever. Just apologize and end things kindly. Gah. (. . . Ahem. Again.)

So, that's pretty much it, I guess.

Facebook's answer: "have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money"

. . .

I, um.

. . .

Wait, so this dude wants me to bite off his wang? Or is this supposed to be a goose-that-laid-the-golden-egg scenario, what with the money ejaculation? Oh, wait, I have a JOB. I don't need jizz made of pennies, ASSHOLE. So yeah, I'll be biting off your dick now, douchebag.

No Cymbal Hit for You, Ass

Today's Failbook fail: I Thought He Said "Never Guess."

So it's come to this. We've progressed from piercing your ears makes you gay, liking breakfast makes you gay, and enjoying male singers' voices makes you gay. Now here we are. At the Gaypocalypse. Where merely posting a Facebook status about yourself makes you gay.

Failbook mods, Failbook readers -- in fact, Facebook users of the world. I have an announcement. Ahem.

CALLING SOMEONE "GAY" IS NOT A PUNCHLINE.

I'll just wait for you all to come up with new jokes. How long do you think I'll be waiting, hmm? Till the Sun turns into a red giant?

Her Full Name Is Little Jane Owned-By-Father

Today's Failbook fail: Her Full Name.

Some 13-year-old girl takes a Facebook quiz about what her baby will be named. (. . . Why is that even a quiz?! It's not as if a baby's name is something that just happens to it, with no input from the person who birthed it.) Her father replies that the baby would be an orphan anyway, since he would strangle his daughter for having a baby.

Charming. I mean, honestly, it comes off as slightly funny for a moment, but then you follow the thought to its logical conclusion and go, "Oh damn."

Fathers threatening their daughters with extreme consequences if they act upon their natural sexual feelings is so commonplace in America, we barely think about it. "When she turns 13, I'm gonna buy a shotgun." "No dating while she's under my roof." "Any boy she brings home, I'm gonna give him the third degree before he sets foot anywhere alone with my baby girl."

What's wrong with this? Well, it's all about men protecting the virginity of the women they own. Mothers rarely say shit like this. And parents almost never say it about their sons. What father of a boy has threatened to buy a shotgun on the kid's 13th birthday??

Here's the thing, Dads of America. Your children are going to develop into adults, and during that in-between time, adolescence? They are horny as hell, girls and boys alike. Also, they are not babies. You have to give them room to learn about their own sexuality, gradually and naturally. No, I don't think any 13-year-old should be giving birth. But the fail in today's Failbook fail is about the atmosphere that makes a comment like, "I will kill you if you get pregnant" so matter-of-fact and unquestioned.

Another Creeper Alert

Today's Failbook fail: Complicated and Imaginary.

What is it, I ask you, about the way het men relate to women that they can feel they are in a "relationship" with a woman they've never met? And by the way, this is by no means the first Failbook post of this nature -- it's one of at least several, and it's always het men talking about women. Why do they feel this is acceptable?

This isn't an empty question. It has repercussions from stuff as trivial as this Failbook post, all the way up to actions like John Hinckley's.

I suspect that when one gender is taught to view members of the other gender as objects rather than people, then this sort of behavior naturally results in a small, but not insignificant, portion of the population. Only a theory, of course.

Uuuuuggggghhhhh

Today's Failbook fail: Miss Interpreted.

I'm letting my fiancé fill in today. Whaddya got, hon?

Future Husband: "Obvious fail is obvious."

Well, all right. Can't get more succinct than that.

Go Back To Fifth Grade Health Class

Today's Failbook fail: To Whom It May Concern.

A woman complains that her employer, a hospital, does not provide tampons for sale in the gift shop. Her boyfriend comments that she needs to stop "broadcasting her bleeding lady bits." No, seriously. Her boyfriend says that. He also says he's "grossed out."

So . . . you want to publicly pronounce that you're "grossed out" because your girlfriend is shedding her uterine lining -- which she does every month, because she is not pregnant, probably much to your relief. What if she were to proclaim that she's grossed out by your penis, which urine comes out of multiple times a day? Ew, it's like a pee factory! I don't want that thing in my mouth or my vag! Grooooooss!!

Here's the deal, buddy boy: when you have sexual relations with a person, you accept everything about that person's genitalia. If you're a het guy, this means being cool with periods and period paraphernalia. Just because it's socially acceptable to say "ew, gross" when it comes time to talk turkey about that time of the month doesn't mean your girlfriend should take that shit. I hope she drops you right quick.

Also, never fucking say "bleeding lady bits." Ever. Fucking. Again. EVER.

The Worst Insult: Being Called a Girl

Today's Failbook fail: Edward's True Self.

Someone makes a tired Twilight reference, and then the thread degenerates into calling Edward a girl. (Because a girl is a horrible thing to be.)

Please stop calling men women in order to insult them. As you may have guessed, this is not particularly nice to hear if you are a person who actually is a woman. Also, stop gender policing people for having attributes you associate with another gender. This is hostile, rude, and generally asshole-y. Thank you.

For Female Lawyers, It's $1.4 Million!

Today's Failbook fail: Equal Rights.

Women talk about times they have "sweet talked" their ways out of tickets. One woman says she cries to get out of tickets.

For the record, according to Traffic (which I just read), crying has a net neutral effect on whether you will get a ticket. Some cops will let you off; others will specifically give you a ticket to punish you for crying. (Others, of course, will do what they are supposed to do, regardless of how the driver reacts.) So I'm happy to ignore the woman who says she cries.

As far as "sweet talking" . . . let's be real here. Most cops are men. If women are "sweet talking" men to evade punishment, what does that actually say about our society? Perhaps that women are taught that their most valuable commodity is their sexuality? And, by the way, there's no earthly reason that most cops should be men. In fact, Traffic also covers how in Mexico (I think), they've hired all female traffic cops, because they were shown to be less susceptible to corruption. Is that a model I think we should follow? Absolutely not. But a mostly-male police squad is yet another reminder of how the patriarchy affects our daily lives.

Anyway, back to the fail. You might be wondering where it is, since all I've done so far is pontificate about traffic cops. So some dudebro busts into the thread and says, "so don't bitch when men make more than women do in the workplace, we actually have to pay our tickets."

Dude? Bro? Go fuck yourself. Over her lifetime, a college-educated woman loses $713,000 thanks to the gender wage gap. Oh, and therefore she collects less Social Security and has less in her retirement fund, so she's more likely to be an impoverished senior citizen. Unless you are routinely paying $10,000 parking tickets that come straight out of your Roth IRA, you can shove that Men's Rights Assholery right where it belongs.

A Woman's Place Is In Your Face

Today's Failbook fail: Kitchening.

Some jackass says because a person is a woman, she should be good at things involving the kitchen.

I don't give a flying pancake if this is supposed to be noveau hipster irony, or if this jackass genuinely believes a woman's place is in the house. You know why I don't care? Because every time a man says "make me a sandwich" (or one of its three thousand variants), it reinforces this fucked-up notion, regardless of the speaker's intent to be "ironic." Maybe we should save this joke for when women don't do like three times as much housework as men! Maybe then it will be funny! Not now! Right now, you need to shut the fuck up!!

Doubleheader

Today's Failbook fails: That Time Is Now and Roadside Assistance.

I was agonizing -- yes, dear readers, agonizing -- over which of these two piles of shit to deconstruct, and my dear fiancé said I should do a two-for-one deal, which I thought was fair, since I took the weekend off.

In the first, a father masquerades as his daughter on Facebook, saying that she has just found her boyfriend (husband?) in bed with another man, and so she is dumping him, because he is "so GAY." So, all right, it's hard to know what the father's intentions were here -- does he hate the boyfriend? Is it "good-natured ribbing"?

In any case, if a woman were to actually walk in on her significant other having sex with another man, I imagine the reaction would be more along the lines of, "You asshole! You cheated on me!" But no, the father just wanted to be like, "GAY GAY GAY, " so of course that's the faux reaction we get.

And then the daughter puts the crap cherry on this shit pie by saying her dad has "fraped" her. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. It's bad enough that this phrase makes light of rape -- must you add to it by implicating your own father?? It's as if she doesn't even see the word anymore, she uses it so casually.

The second steaming turd is all sexism, all the time. A woman expresses gratitude for the man who kindly stopped to help her change her tire. Men flock to the status to say dumb shit. "Hurr durr, it's because you have boobs. Hurr durr, if you were a man you'd change your own tire. Hurr durr, you didn't strip for him in gratitude?" A woman cannot even thank a man for his kindness without other men coming along, whipping out their dicks, and peeing all over the scene. Sexism: turning men into douchebags since THE DAWN OF TIME.